If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
