do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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