I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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