You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...