If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize