how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
