I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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