I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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