What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
