you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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