Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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