remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
