I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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