I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
