We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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