I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the day after is always just damage control
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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