can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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