OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
