it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize