So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
