My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm passing your future prison.
sarcasm needs its own font
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
