he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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