Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
