I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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