I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
