it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
don't judge my taste in strippers
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
