Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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