At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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