So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
