meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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