why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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