So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
