he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
