This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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