I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
