My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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