I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
