perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she peed on how many people?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
