and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
