youre lurking in front of me
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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