I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
