yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
