a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
