Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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