I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
