Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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