So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize