i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry