Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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