His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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