Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
