A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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