i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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