He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
