shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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