My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
